My life as a run-on.

February 7, 2012

I’m buying a house.
I’m buying a house and Molly is one and the custody situation hasn’t changed and I love to cook and am taking so many classes and marriage is hard but rewarding and I can’t get rid of the insomnia, but that’s okay because I have so much to research anyway for this house I’m buying… and how can I think of buying a house when I can’t have my daughter with me yet/ever?
Molly cuddles her head into my chest and says ‘Awww, sweet baby’ the way that I do every day and I melt.  She screams and yells for the phone – fits that she throws that her father finds funny and I hold my own against.
They’re slowing down some, but this child will always be a force of nature.  I hope.
Abs surprises me with these bouts of maturity and these moments of childishness that are so bittersweet for me.   She’s on the cusp of so many wonderful things and I want her to have the knowledge and desire to reach for them.

And now I’m buying a house in this Illinois city, so far away from home.  Two things I never would have seen for myself.  Molly will have a yard – tiny – but a yard to play in.  And neighbors.  She’ll have things I couldn’t provide on my own for Abs.
It’s hard not to feel as though this seems to her as though I’m replacing her.
And I tell her that every day.  Even if it’s just in my head sometimes.

My life, right now, is a run-on.  Every event or thought or action runs into another because time is moving so fast.
I want it to slow down.  I want it to stop.
Not in the bad way, in the way where I can just stop the moment, breathe it in and permanently place it in my memory so that I’ll be able to drag it out, years later, and devour it.


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