My life as a run-on.

February 7, 2012

I’m buying a house.
I’m buying a house and Molly is one and the custody situation hasn’t changed and I love to cook and am taking so many classes and marriage is hard but rewarding and I can’t get rid of the insomnia, but that’s okay because I have so much to research anyway for this house I’m buying… and how can I think of buying a house when I can’t have my daughter with me yet/ever?
Molly cuddles her head into my chest and says ‘Awww, sweet baby’ the way that I do every day and I melt.  She screams and yells for the phone – fits that she throws that her father finds funny and I hold my own against.
They’re slowing down some, but this child will always be a force of nature.  I hope.
Abs surprises me with these bouts of maturity and these moments of childishness that are so bittersweet for me.   She’s on the cusp of so many wonderful things and I want her to have the knowledge and desire to reach for them.

And now I’m buying a house in this Illinois city, so far away from home.  Two things I never would have seen for myself.  Molly will have a yard – tiny – but a yard to play in.  And neighbors.  She’ll have things I couldn’t provide on my own for Abs.
It’s hard not to feel as though this seems to her as though I’m replacing her.
Abs is IRREPLACEABLE.
And I tell her that every day.  Even if it’s just in my head sometimes.

My life, right now, is a run-on.  Every event or thought or action runs into another because time is moving so fast.
I want it to slow down.  I want it to stop.
Not in the bad way, in the way where I can just stop the moment, breathe it in and permanently place it in my memory so that I’ll be able to drag it out, years later, and devour it.
 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: