I wish I were a planner.

December 11, 2012

Life is about adapting.  
I mean, sure, there are emotions mixed in there – happiness and sadness.  Anger and anxiety.  
But mostly, for me, life is about reacting, not planning.
So when I found out, quite recently, that my gestational diabetes from Mols has turned into Actual Real Sugar Diabetes, well, all I could really do was react.
Perspective tells me that it’s not cancer and I will survive this, but continuing happenings tell me that this is the largest challenge I have faced physically thus far.  

A friend told me this week that I’m food obsessed – she didn’t mean it in an ugly way and I didn’t take it as such, but I’ve been thinking about it.  Such a freedom it is to be able to do whatever we wish with our bodies.  Freedom and a sort of disrespect to ourselves.  To choose to sit on the couch, as I am doing right now, can be both relaxing or horrific – depending upon how long you choose to do so.  
Food intake is fairly similar.  Needing to choose different foods because I’m gaining weight or becoming more unhealthy in general is one thing.  Needing to choose different foods because a bad meal can put me into a coma is another thing entirely. 
It’s hard NOT to become food obsessed.  To want something so much and be weighing The Great Endgame against it.  
Sometimes it REALLY sucks to do the right thing.
And in this instance, that’s really all I can do overall.

But I’m learning.
Apart from a hiccup or two right now, I’m learning.
Reacting.
I’m REACTING.

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